


My Heart Goes Bum Bum Bum

by beaniek4



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, References to Past Suicide Attempt, but not really sexual, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 08:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14766296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaniek4/pseuds/beaniek4
Summary: “I’m here for you, Alex. Don’t forget that.” Zach’s speaking to him so softly, as if talking any louder could break the moment they’re having. Alex feels special for a second, appreciative that Zach’s here with him and that he truly does care, and Alex realizes how important he is to the other boy, regardless of what his subconscious tries to tell him.





	My Heart Goes Bum Bum Bum

It was a process, that’s for sure. Alex still had problems walking—will probably have them for the rest of his life—and keeping a good grip on things. His memory from the month after Hannah died was coming back, albeit slowly, although definitely more so now that he had listened to the tapes once again. Despite recovering well, he was still pissed at many things. He hated how “damaged” he was, hated how people looked at him in the hallways and knew, and there were times he thought dying would’ve been better than having to deal with all this shit.

He’ll admit he’s lucky that he has friends who care about him. He’s not going to deny that there are people who are glad he made it, who enjoy his presence. However, that doesn’t stop the thoughts of death and feelings of regret from swelling up inside him every day. It doesn’t stop the thoughts of what it’d have been like had he succeeded in his suicide attempt.

He does feel guilty for his actions and words last night during his birthday party of all things. Yelling and pitching a fit in front of his friends wasn’t something he had expected to happen. He was just so tired, felt so pathetic. He understood his parents wanted things to go back to normal, but normal doesn’t exist anymore, and it never will, and he hated that there were times they wanted to completely avoid dealing with what had happened, even if it was understandable to an extent. Even his older brother didn’t seem to want to deal with his shit either, having only seen him twice since he got out of the hospital. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care, he supposes. It seems all he’s been doing is pushing away those who actually do and even show it.

Like Zach.

Fuck, he had made a fool of himself in front of everyone, including Zach, who has been helping him through this, even though he could be off hanging with the other jocks. It’s true they had become friends before Alex even started hanging with Justin and the others, although the tapes had definitely put a strain on that friendship. Zach’s obviously trying to make right though, what with all the help during his physical therapy sessions, driving him to school, hell even trying to carry him a couple times. He cares about Alex, there’s no doubt about that.

Which is why he’s apparently decided to visit him this evening.

He’s standing there at the doorway, looking from his feet to the posters before finally allowing his eyes to fall on Alex, who’s still lying in his bed on his phone.

“Um... hi?” he manages to get out after putting his phone down next to him. He wasn’t expecting company today, especially so late in the day, so he looks—and feels—very disheveled at the moment. Last night had definitely taken a lot out of him.

“Hey Alex, I just, uh... I wanted to stop by and see how you’re doing,” Zach says, shutting the door behind him and coming to sit on the bed near Alex’s legs. His eyes still dart around every few seconds. It’s as if he’s feeling sheepish about something. It makes Alex feel tense.

He huffs out a chuckle, although there’s no actual humor there. “I can see that, Zach. Have I met your expectations?” He forces a small smirk to cover up his nervousness. If there’s one thing he has learned from middle and high school, it’s that small banter and sarcastic remarks usually help him diffuse any anxiety or tension he may be feeling. He supposes it can be called a coping mechanism. It helps him deal with the problematic and bothersome teenagers he sees on a daily basis, his mask of indifference putting a barrier between his outside self and any inner turmoil he may have. It doesn’t always work, he’ll admit. It obviously backfired since he ended up trying to kill himself all those months ago.

“Yes? I mean, well... fuck, Alex, I really feel like we need to talk about yesterday.” Zach’s finally looking at him again. This time it doesn’t seem like he’ll be looking away again, his eyes hard while a deep frown appears on his face.

“Shit, man, I don’t know what you want me to say. I fell off the wagon, alright? I get it. I’m fucked up and nothing’s going to change that. I—“

“Stop it. Just shut up for a second.” Zach cuts in instantly, not even bothering to let Alex finish his self-deprecating speech.

Alex stops talking despite wanting to keep going, despite wanting to just say aloud what he feels everyone’s thinking. He’s tired of everyone walking on eggshells around him, treating him like he’s fragile, giving him these small assurances that one day things are going to be great again. But the hard truth is that things like guilt and anger—both at oneself and others—doesn’t just go away so easily. His anxiety has been with him all his life, and the tapes had definitely only made things worse. Yeah, he learned from his mistakes by listening to them, but the shame ate him alive and he almost became a “second Hannah”, as he’s heard himself be called before.

“I understand life is still shit for you right now, but that crap you were yelling about yesterday, it... it was really upsetting honestly. It’s no wonder Jessica got pissed. Hearing you talking about how it would’ve been better had you died... it’s just, it’s not true, man. Things would not be great had your... attempt... been successful.” Towards the end, Zach’s hands had unconsciously drifted to settle on Alex’s legs. He’s still wearing a fierce expression on his face, leaving no doubt that that’s how he truly feels.

It’s Alex who looks away this time, his own hands clinging tightly together. He tries to take deep breaths, let his mind settle. He knows Zach’s being genuine, that he came here for a serious talk and to discuss feelings and shit, but Alex, he just... he keeps falling back into old patterns. He keeps wanting to defend himself from all this emotional bullshit.

“Oh Zach, I didn’t realize you could see visions of the future. You’ll definitely have to teach me sometime so I can see months from now if surviving is worth it.” He hates it. He hates himself for basically making fun of Zach’s care. He always seems to find new ways to push everyone away.

He hears Zach let out a sigh and looks up when he feels Zach get off the bed. “You know what, forget it, Alex. I’m trying to be your friend here, but whatever.” He turns to head towards the doorway.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. In that moment, something goes off in Alex’s head and before he realizes it he’s attempting to get off the bed and stop Zach from leaving. Seeing Zach’s back towards him, ready to leave him, must’ve set something off, must’ve made him realize that this isn’t what he wants. He doesn’t want to deal with this by himself. He doesn’t want to keep pushing people away, especially those who have gone out of their way to help him.

“Wait, Zach—“ Of course, he doesn’t make it far. As soon as his feet touch the floor, he stumbles and falls onto his knees and elbows, letting out a few curses. Tears prick at his eyes and he feels ridiculous for not using his cane and making a fool of himself.

Suddenly Zach’s there, kneeling in front of him and holding him up under the armpits. He finds himself grasping Zach’s forearms tightly, his fingers digging into the soft material of Zach’s hoodie. He feels himself taking several deep breaths, as if he’s trying to keep himself from hyperventilating or having an anxiety attack.

Zach easily lifts him up in his arms and gently deposits him back on the bed, staying seated beside him. There’s concern and guilt written in his features, and Alex hates himself even more for causing it. Fuck, he feels so stupid, making a scene like that. Then again, it did keep Zach from leaving. His message must’ve gotten across.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to be helpful here. I’m— shit, things are just rough, you know? Getting around is a pain, and people stare all the time, and, fuck, those tapes are still messing with me.” The words are rushed out, and it’s painfully obvious that it’s all hard for him to say aloud. Zach’s worried expression turns into one of understanding. One of his hands goes to brush some of Alex’s hair out of his face. Alex instantly feels his heart speed up despite his body relaxing from the touch, and he knows there’s no way he’ll ever admit that out loud.

“I’m here for you, Alex. Don’t forget that.” Zach’s speaking to him so softly, as if talking any louder could break the moment they’re having. Alex feels special for a second, appreciative that Zach’s here with him and that he truly does care, and Alex realizes how important he is to the other boy, regardless of what his subconscious tries to tell him. Something akin to happiness swells up in his chest. Before he realizes what he’s doing, he leans up and gives a quick peck to Zach’s lips. They stare at each other for a few seconds before it truly sinks in and Alex finds himself flushing from embarrassment.

What the fuck? Did he really just kiss Zach?

Zach’s still looking at him wide-eyes, lips parted slightly in surprise. He seems like he wants to say something, however nothing comes out. Alex wants to scream. He wants to berate himself for doing something so stupid. He feels like now he’s going to lose someone else important to him, and he just can’t—

“Can you do that again?”

The words are said so quietly that Alex almost doesn’t hear him. His train of self-loathing thoughts comes to a halt and he looks at Zach with a confused expression on his face. He feels like he must’ve heard wrong, that there’s no way Zach Dempsey would want to kiss him again. But then he sees the slight longing in Zach’s eyes and things click into place.

Alex nods his head before closing the gap once more.

—

They’re making out on Alex’s bed, Alex himself seated in Zach’s lap, legs bracketing Zach’s hips. Alex has one hand buried in Zach’s locks while his other is slung across Zach’s broad shoulder. He feels hands gripping his waist tightly, and he finds himself hoping it was hard enough to bruise. He keeps wanting to roll his hips down, but he keeps himself from doing so and instead focuses on the way Zach’s tongue feels in his mouth. He wants to pull back and get some air into his lungs, but the thought of kissing until he’s dizzy is too pleasant to shut away.

He doesn’t know how it got to this point, and frankly he doesn’t care too much. Everyone keeps telling him to stop focusing so much on the past, so for once he’ll take that advice and instead concentrate on the feeling of Zach touching him. Zach right hand slips up the back of Alex’s shirt, rubbing up and down in a soothing manner before coming back out to cradle Alex’s face in his palm.

Alex is so busy concentrating on the feeling of their tongues mingling that he doesn’t realize he’s being moved until he finds himself on his back with Zach looming over him. Zach’s hands remain in the same place, while Alex balls his fists up in Zach’s shirt, bringing him down to continue their make out session. Zach’s hips find their way between the cradle of Alex’s thighs, and just that thought sends a shiver up Alex’s spine. Alex feels Zach pull his hands out of his shirt and pin them both down beside his head on the pillow. Zach pulls his lips away from Alex’s and lifts his own upper body up, both of his hands still gripping Alex’s wrists and keeping them down.

Alex finds himself breathing heavily, looking back at Zach and flushing under his gaze. He feels a rush of self-consciousness go through him from the piercing gaze and he desperately wants to look away. However, he keeps his eyes trained on the other boy, as if they are having some kind of staring contest.

“You’ve changed so much.” It seems like even Zach was surprised at his own words as soon as they left his mouth. A flush goes up his neck as he stammers a bit. “I mean, as a person. Not that you aren’t physically different too! Obviously you are with the hair. Uh, which I like! It’s definitely a good look on you, makes you look softer—“

“Zach.” Despite himself, Alex was smiling, shaking his head. He chuckles softly, causing Zach to feel less awkward from his earlier rambling. “I get it. Thank you.”

Zach nods his head and wets his lips without thinking. Alex watches the movement before returning Zach’s gaze once again.

“It’s just... we’ve all been through shit, especially you, and I’m proud of you. Like, for trying your hardest to deal with everything.”

Alex wants to laugh, to scoff and shake his head. Dealing with it? He definitely hasn’t been doing that very much, or at least that’s how it feels. Yeah, he’s been recovering physically, but the mental issues are still there. He’s not exactly dealing with those things as much as he should be. Instead of saying that though—not wanting to disregard Zach’s caring words—all he does is mutter out another “thank you” before leaning up to capture Zach’s lips in another kiss.

He doesn’t want to think about any of that right now. All he wants on his mind is the amazing feeling of being held down by Zach’s weight. Zach kisses him back fiercely, leaning down again and keeping Alex’s wrists pinned by his head. Alex wrap his legs around Zach’s waist and tries to buck up for more friction, for something else to get his mind off of the dark thoughts that keep swirling up inside of him.

Zach lets out a groan of pleasure and gently thrusts down against Alex, and they both start panting into each other’s mouths as they continue those motions. It feels so good and Alex honestly doesn’t want it to end. He wishes that the good times in life—moments like these—could rid him of the darkness that occupies his mind. He’s so caught up in the moment, the feelings of joy and lust, that he doesn’t realize that tears have started rolling down his face. Zach does though, and, as soon as he does, he pulls away once again, letting go of Alex’s wrists.

“Hey man, what’s wrong? Should we stop? We can if—“

Alex groans to himself and angrily wipes his tears away, upset at himself for getting emotional during such a nice moment. It seems everything good in his life eventually gets ruined. The thought makes him even more pissed off, and he forces himself upright, his head colliding with Zach’s. He can feel his throat tightening and it’s suddenly hard for him to breathe properly.

“Fuck! Sorry— I’m sorry, I—“

The next thing he knows is that strong arms are wrapping around him, pulling him into a broad chest. His head is pounding now, and his eyes are continuing to release tears, yet somehow being engulfed by Zach slowly calms his nerves. He finds his breath evening out at the contact, and he visibly relaxes into the hug. Zach’s holding him tightly yet gently at the same time, and he appreciates that it helped him become calmer.

They stay like that for awhile, neither of them talking, just basking in the comfortable silence. The pain in Alex’s forehead has dulled, but he still winces whenever he hesitantly pulls away and tries to look up at Zach’s face. It seems moving his eyes up only makes the headache worse, so instead he just closes his eyes. Suddenly there are soft lips pressing ever so gently to the area on his forehead that hurts the most. It’s so light that the touch doesn’t hurt him at all. Those lips trail from his forehead to his nose, to his cheek, and then to the side of his head, where a scar lies hidden underneath strands of hair. It’s that particular kiss that causes him to slightly gasp and open his eyes, to finally assess the situation.

This is real. Zach somehow keeps finding new ways to show his genuine care. Alex wishes he could express his own feelings—not only those of appreciation and happiness, but also those considered to be negative—although instead of dwelling on how to do so, he leans away to find Zach’s lips. Warmth spreads through his chest, and even though there are more tears threatening to spill, he finds that he feels lighter.


End file.
